Love, Power, and Patriarchy

Why Decentering Men is More Complex Than We Think

Introduction

In popular discourse, people often say, "I'm in a relationship with a man and I decenter," or "You can be in a relationship with a man and still decenter." I used to accept this as valid. But lately, I’ve come to see things differently. While I understand the usefulness of this framing in bringing more people into the conversation and motivating change, the task before us is more complex. In a society structured to prioritize and reward specific dynamics, it’s nearly impossible for romantic relationships with men not to reinforce their centrality. Acknowledging this isn’t about blaming individuals—it’s about understanding the larger context in which we exist.

1. Commonground

Let’s define our terms. When we talk about "men," we aren’t referring to individualistic, bio-essentialist definitions but to maleness as a power structure. Maleness doesn’t require a specific embodiment, nor does it need to be fully embodied at all times. It is a system of ideology, power, and hierarchy woven through our cultural, social, and political frameworks. When we say “decenter,” we mean the conscious act of rejecting and refusing the centrality of this ideology, especially in how we design our lives and relationships. Decentering isn’t abstract—it requires the courage to dismantle the system through action.

2. The Centrality of Men

A strong societal current makes decentering men incredibly difficult. This current stems from entrenched systems: the glorification of romance, the economic and social incentives tied to marriage, and the constant messaging that partnership is essential to a fulfilling life. Maleness and patriarchy are perpetuated through institutions like marriage and romance, which are institutional embodiments of male centrality.

3. The Limits of Decentering

Even the most progressive, self-aware men are still socialized within a framework that upholds misogynistic and patriarchal values. So, in any romantic relationship with a man, you are, in some way, tolerating and dealing with this socialization. You also face societal pressure on all romantic relationships, regardless of their structure. Whether polyamorous, queer, or open, these structural forces shape how the relationship unfolds. The guiding ideology of patriarchy remains central.

4. The Choices We Make

At first, I embraced the idea of decentering in a relationship because it felt empowering. But over time, I’ve come to critique it for its false sense of ease. The truth is, that choosing to partner with men—regardless of how unconventional the relationship format—remains male-centered.

Saying you can decenter men while in a romantic relationship with them is like saying, "I can change the system from the inside." By engaging in the most conventional dynamics—committing to a romantic partnership, raising children, or cohabitating—you’re not just resisting the current toward male centrality. You’re actively reinforcing it. This is why the rhetoric of "decentering men while in a relationship with them" feels disingenuous. We must be honest: Some of our choices are complicit. Sometimes, we make them out of necessity or to navigate social systems.

Conclusion

Resistance requires letting go of the validation, privilege, and ease of aligning with power. It requires tough, uncomfortable decisions—and, at times, sacrificing the comforts of social capital for true liberation. This is a call to confront the contradictions in our choices. This is Kitty Killer, signing off.

Bibliography

Why Do Happily Married Women STILL DONT Recommend Marriage/Motherhood