Age of Change
Reflections Inspired by Age of Attraction
On Youth, Aging, and the Discipline of Evolution.
I like to use pop culture as an entry point into broader reflections. So, in the spirit of honesty…
I recently binged Age of Attraction, a new Netflix series centered around age-gap relationships. The show is hosted by Nick Viall and his wife, who themselves are in a controversial age-gap relationship. If you follow reality TV, you may also recognize them from the broader orbit of shows like Love Is Blind, where their commentary and interviews have drawn significant discourse.
On principle, I don’t support the show or the Vialls, as it were. I find the premise questionable and inherently unsafe. Ditto for them as a couple.
And yet, I watched. Partly because I love reality television. Partly because there has been so much conversation around it. But also, because even in what we might consider “trashy television,” there are often opportunities for reflection.
And this show left me thinking about something I return to often: People’s capacity for change.
Can people change? Change of any sort — changing habits, tendencies, mindsets, patterns. Of course, they can and they do.
Sometimes. But it feels rare, and even when it happens, often shallow or too late.
It’s a question that many of us confront repeatedly in our relationships with parents, friends, coworkers, romantic partners, and even ourselves. We find ourselves hoping for change, waiting for change, or questioning whether change is even possible. And I felt like that question was humming in the background of this series.
One of the most surprising things I noticed was that many of the younger participants appeared more mature than their older counterparts. They were asking themselves thoughtful questions, reflecting on their decisions, and showing a willingness to reconsider their assumptions.
Youth can have its own genre of wisdom, and I think a lot of that wisdom is connected to a capacity for change.
Which led me to think about youth as connected to cognitive flexibility, something we may gradually lose over time. When we talk about aging gracefully, so much of that conversation is focused on our bodies and how we look.
That has its importance, as our health and physical well-being impact quality of life.
But I don’t think we give nearly enough attention to how our minds age.
How do we make sure our thinking ages well?
How do we make sure our emotional lives age well?
How do we make sure our psychology evolves?
What I noticed among many of the older contestants was rigid thinking patterns: deeply entrenched insecurities, coping mechanisms, and responses shaped by years of repeated behavior.
The metaphor that came to mind for me was this: Imagine a car driving in a figure eight, over and over again, on the exact same path for years. Eventually, that path becomes deeply carved into the ground. So much so that the car might even find itself unable to get out.
That’s what our habits and tendencies can become over time. Time gives us wisdom — yes. But time also gives us practice in our worst habits. And over time, those habits become etched into who we are and very difficult to escape.
So, how can we nurture our capacity for evolution?
So when we think about whether people can change, it’s easy to get lost in outward-directed thinking. But I’m finding it more helpful to bring it back inward. Because as they say, we only really have control over ourselves.
If that.
How can I nurture my own capacity for change?
Because while change is possible, it’s difficult at the least and often rare. Admittedly, I’ve found that giving up hope in others’ capacity for change has actually been helpful.
It’s helped me:
set better boundaries
exit relationships that don’t serve me
conserve energy and reclaim time
engage my chosen community with greater acceptance
It allows me to practice radical acceptance — loving people as they are, rather than waiting for them to become something else.
I’m trying to focus more intentionally on my own capacity for change and thinking of that as something I can actively nurture over time.
So, I want to think through a few characteristics that I believe nurture that capacity.
1. Self-Awareness
First, self-awareness.
An ability to take a cold, hard look at ourselves without protecting our ego.
This means facing resistance, seeking discomfort, and questioning things we may not want to question. Honest, challenging reflection.
But equally important: self-awareness is not change.
I think we sometimes treat awareness as transformation.
“At least I know.”
“At least I admit it.”
And while that deserves credit, awareness without action is meaningless at best. At worst, it borders on ethically questionable.
Change requires:
habit shifts
discipline
consistency
reflection
2. Cognitive Flexibility
Cognitive flexibility or the ability to reconfigure our thinking, adapt, and shift perspectives.
I like to think of this as strength training for the mind.
We strengthen it through:
learning new skills
reading
language learning
strategy games
travel
exposure to new ideas
facing fears
All of these are mental workouts. They are essential!
3. Curiosity
Curiosity keeps us flexible.
Curiosity prevents rigidity.
Curiosity invites growth.
4. Self-Compassion
Because this process is difficult.
We need to be able to hold ourselves with compassion.
5. Discipline & Strategy
Awareness is important.
But a game plan is better.
30-day challenges.
Seasonal reflection.
Intentional habits.
Even religious traditions like Ramadan or Lent — at their core — are about intentional evolution. Whether religious or not, we can adopt the spirit of those practices:
regularly reflecting on what we need to release and what we need to cultivate.
Journal Prompts
To close, I want to offer a few gentle journal prompts:
What’s a hard truth about yourself you’re ready to accept today?
What’s a lie you’ve been telling yourself?
What’s a small change you could implement right now?
What’s something you could read or explore to support your growth?
What activities have you been curious to try?
What pattern in your life feels deeply etched — like that figure eight?
Where might you be very aware yet slow to act?
What would nurturing cognitive flexibility look like in your life right now?
And as always, I hope this offers something to reflect on.
This is Kitty.
Until next time hunters, y’all be safe out there.