A Black Femme’s Guide to Setting Boundaries
A Women's History Month Resource
Introduction
For Women’s History Month, we’re arming you with a survival kit—A Black Femme’s Guide to Setting Boundaries. Real love isn’t just romantic. It’s self-love, community love, and sustainable love—the kind of love that keeps us alive and thriving together. Boundaries are among the most potent tools for building self-worth and respect while nurturing relationships that sustain us. Yet, for so many of us, boundaries can feel like a luxury. They’re easier said than done, but they’re critical. Think of boundaries as the guardrails you put in place to protect your energy, peace, and survival. When used intentionally, boundaries can sharpen your instincts, refine your strategy, and help you build a life that doesn’t just feel good—it feels right.
Boundaries can be challenging for Black femmes because of the cultural and historical context we navigate. Saidiya Hartman’s concept of the “afterlife of slavery” speaks to how Black women continue to be positioned as strong, capable, and giving, expected to pour into others while receiving little. For centuries, systemic exploitation and societal expectations have positioned Black women as caretakers, often to the detriment of our well-being. We’ve been praised for our service and sacrifice while being denied the space to prioritize our needs. People frequently approach us with the expectation of extraction without valuing the fullness of what we contribute or seeing a need to reciprocate properly. For darker-skinned Black women, the expectation to give without rest is even more intense. Our strength is weaponized, our softness is disregarded, and our labor is demanded as if owed.
We deserve to reclaim our time, energy, and peace. This survival kit is a call to reclaim that space and honor ourselves as much as we honor others. I hope this kit might be a resource for boundary building rooted in the Black femme experience. This kit gives you the tools to make your boundaries work: critical information, actionable tips, and real talk about wielding this love language like the weapon it is. So, let’s get into it—your survival starts now.
1. Self-Respect is a Verb
Framing Self-Respect:
Self-respect is a practice, a verb, something we do out of love for ourselves, our futures, and our right to live a sustainable life. It’s choosing to honor your needs, boundaries, and worth in the relationships and spaces you move through. Self-respect is not just a feeling—it’s an action. It’s how we set the tone for how we’re treated, starting with how we treat ourselves.
Interactive Prompt:
Take 10 minutes to journal or reflect on the following:
What does self-respect mean to you?
When was the last time you acted out of self-respect?
What’s one small way you can practice self-respect today?
Resource Recommendation:
Podcast: "Balanced Black Girl" by Lestraundra Alfred
This podcast offers practical wellness advice tailored to Black women, focusing on self-care, boundaries, and cultivating a balanced life.
2. The Importance of Discomfort
Framing Discomfort:
Boundaries and self-respect can feel radically unfamiliar, even unsettling. Discomfort is the first sign of change, which is necessary for survival. If setting boundaries feels unnatural, that’s because we’ve been conditioned to accept our depletion. But discomfort is proof that we’re growing. Discomfort is an ally, guiding you toward a more aligned and authentic version of yourself.
Interactive Exercise: “Sitting with Discomfort” Meditation
Close your eyes and bring to mind a situation that makes you uncomfortable.
Notice how your body reacts. Where is there tightness, heat, or restlessness?
Breathe deeply and allow yourself to sit with that discomfort without trying to fix or resolve it.
Ask yourself: What is this discomfort teaching me about myself?
Resource Recommendation:
Book: Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
This practical guide reframes your relationship with change and discomfort, helping you implement boundaries effectively.
3. Remember You Need You Too
Framing Self-Prioritization:
Your time, health, and energy are finite. We’ve been taught to believe that our worth is measured by how much we give. But the truth is, we need ourselves just as much as anyone else does. Nurturing yourself takes time, money, and energy. Taking care of ourselves is necessary to thrive and support our communities.
Interactive Prompt:
What do I need most from myself right now?
What is one thing I can give myself today to nurture my growth?
Resource Recommendation:
YouTube Video: Rest is Resistance with Tricia Hersey
A discussion with the creator of The Nap Ministry, a resource that reframes rest as resistance, liberation, and a personal necessity.
4. Identify the Leaks
Framing the Concept of Leaks:
Leaks are the places where your precious resources seep away unnoticed. They could be inefficient routines, draining relationships, or unproductive habits. Identifying and addressing leaks is critical for reclaiming energy and reinvesting it into what truly matters.
Interactive Prompt: “Float to the Top” Exercise
Picture yourself as a ship on the water. Imagine small leaks letting water seep in. What are those leaks? Where are you losing energy, time, or peace? Write or draw them, and brainstorm ways to patch them.
Example Categories for Leaks and Boundaries:
Work: Feeling drained by after-hours emails? Set a boundary to check work communications only during designated hours.
Friendships: Are you the go-to problem solver? Set limits by redirecting friends to resources instead of always offering emotional labor.
Routines: Struggling with time management? Use time-blocking to reduce procrastination and focus your energy.
Visual Tool:
5. Boundaries—Your Patch Kit
Framing Boundaries:
Boundaries are your toolkit for stopping leaks and protecting your resources. They help you honor your time, energy, and peace. Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out; they’re about building a framework that ensures sustainability in your life.
Interactive Prompt:
Take one leak you identified earlier and ask yourself:
What kind of boundary would help me here?
How can I communicate this boundary firmly and kindly?
Resource Recommendation:
YouTube channel: Therapy for Black Girls
Additional Resources
Instagram Account: Crutches and Spice by Imani Barbarin
A platform that addresses the intersection of disability, race, and systemic barriers, offering critical insights and resources.
Book: Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha
A collection of essays centering disabled queer and femme voices, focusing on community care and collective survival.
Podcast: "Still Processing" by Wesley Morris and Jenna Wortham
Cultural critiques through a Black and queer lens.
Website: Autistic Women & Nonbinary Network (AWN)
Provides resources and support tailored to neurodivergent individuals navigating systems of oppression.
Workbook guide: The Boundaried Black Femme
A zine-style boundary workbook, guide, and printable journal.
Conclusion: The Survival Kit
As Audre Lorde taught us, self-care is self-preservation, which is revolutionary. Boundaries are not just personal. They are political. They are the difference between exhaustion and endurance, between depletion and dignity. This survival kit is your reminder: when we protect our peace, we protect our future. It is a reminder that tending to ourselves is connected to tending to collective liberation. Let’s be diligent and mindful in honoring the precious resources that we are.
This is Kitty Killer. Stay sharp, intentional, and boundaried up. Until next time.
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This was both helpful and on time, thank you